Fallen Woman

I am a fallen woman.

That is to say, I fall a lot.

A favorite family story is the time my right foot got lodged in the toilet, which lead to the end of my ballet career. You can ask me about it sometime.

I have slipped down stairs. I have slipped upstairs. I have walked into walls, poles, doorways, people.

It's not that I am not paying attention. In fact, I pride myself on being hyper attentive to the world around me.

This last fall, however, was a doozy. I slipped coming out of the shower (the thing we all fear the most, methinks) and was left stranded in my hallway, soaking wet and in extreme pain. Mercifully, I have an awesome neighbor who was able to hear my screams and get me help. 

So, I've spent the past month at my parents' house recovering from the surgery I had to put my ankle back together. This is what they did:

Ouch, right? I have another 4 weeks without being able to put weight on it, another 4 weeks away from my home, job and dog and another 4 weeks staying with my parents. 

I cannot tell you how much I am valuing this time. I've been reading, spending time with my family and thinking about my life, my choices and my privilege.

I am taking in the fucked up world around me. I am heartbroken by Ukraine, angered by Buffalo, furious at Congress, SCOTUS and anyone else in charge.

I can promise you this: the next chapter in my life won't be complacent. 

Hello again.

Well, hello there.

It's been a minute, eh?

Anything exciting happening in your world? Any news I should catch up on?

Just kidding. I know what's going on. I mean, I have a sense of what is going on. 

I'm coming back to this blog to try and capture some of the things that I am thinking about and feeling in this changed and charged world.

A little recap.

This is me:

I used to work in theater. And higher education. Now I work for a medical device company fielding calls and emails from our healthcare partners. More on how I got to that job later. Maybe.

I've done some writing. I wrote an article about the 2016 campaign.

I've written program copy for the amazing Arizona Theatre Company.

I'm learning some things about medical editing and proofreading. I like learning new things.

If you re-read some of my posts from before, you will see that I made the error of using two spaces after a period. I was not consistent in using the Oxford comma. I was also a participant in the systemic racism that pervades nearly all aspects of American life. I've been working really hard to rectify my past. 

Enough about me. What can I do for you?

More to come. And thank you for coming along.

The Attic

My bedroom, for the bulk of my teenage years, was in the attic. It was a long, narrow room -- I couldn't stand upright in parts of the room. At age 11 (1980ish), when I moved into the attic, I picked the color scheme of pink and green. Why, you might ask?

Here's why:

For some reason, I was not looking forward in time to the period when pink and green would cause vomiting, regardless of whether or not booze was involved.

A couple of other things about that attic bedroom.

I used to fall asleep at the top of the steps, looking out the window at the full moon. Maybe, in another life, I used to be a werewolf, but something about that window afforded me a great view as well as some peaceful slumbers.

I can remember spending HOURS making paper dolls with my sister in that room -- I was a bit better at cutting and coloring than I was at making Barbie clothes. The attic was also the starting point for the long treks my sister and I would make as we played "Little House on the Prairie," dressing up as the Ingalls sisters making their way across the Plains. It was HOT up there in the summer, so it was a perfect replica of what we imagined the life of Laura and Mary to be.

One day in April, 1981, I sat in that room all afternoon with my friend Kim Vining while we played Monopoly and trying to laugh. We were there because the grownups were at the cemetery burying my brother Adam. I think she saved my life that day.

Later, when I was a teenager, the attic bedroom served as a mini-recording studio, while I listened on the radio for my favorite Springsteen songs and prepared my tape recorder to catch every note. I spent time lying on my bed learning the lyrics to every song on the "Born to Run" and "Darkness on the Edge of Town." I wrote REALLY BAD poetry. I cried a lot.

An important piece of information about my attic bedroom is that I had to pass through my parents' bedroom to get to it. For those of you who know me, you know that I am blind as a bat. Imagine a gangly, half-blind teenager barrelling down a steep set of stairs to get to the bathroom at 2:30AM. Bang. Bang. Bump. Ooops.

Sorry, Mom and Dad.

As I was much older, maybe when I came home from college, the location began to be a problem. One night, after a particular raucous evening with friends, I got myself upstairs but felt pretty awful and close to vomiting. The logical option: throw up outside of the window, no doubt sending spew down the side of the house. I can only suspect that it was raining outside, because my parents never said anything...

Again, sorry.

I later moved down to the back room, the room that had been "the baby's" room, where I stayed through grad school. It was better situated for returning home after late night activities (like rehearsals...) as well as studying. I could at least stand up...

The basement

As I was walking through the house this afternoon, I spent some time in the basement, which is all packed up and ready for the movers.

The basement has been transformed on more than one occasion. When we were kids, the basement had, in the middle of it, a giant octopus-style heating system. This is what it looked like:

Not sure who that dude is, but he was not in our basement.

So, this thing was smack in the middle of the basement, our playroom when it was too cold out or bad weather or we were bored or my mom wanted us out of her hair. The floor, at the time, was cement. I know, great room to play in, right? What made the basement awesome to play in, with both the cement and the octopus, was that it was perfect for a roller rink.

Remember the roller rink? We made our own. We actually roller skated AROUND the octopus, on the cement, in the basement. Usually with music. Okay, almost always with music. And the music was:



And then there was:



I will happily admit that I LOVED Shaun Cassidy and Donny and Marie. LOVED THEM.

So we roller skated.

Later, the basement was the site for a Volansky-cousin Beatles singalong, the ill-conceived "gym club" (picture six eleven year olds doing push ups, sit ups and then giggling -- I blame Jane Fonda), and countless hours of Barbie playing. We had the townhouse style dream house (maybe that's why I love my row house so much...), the airplane, some sort of pool and a lot of clothes. My sister was a much better Barbie caretaker than I ever was. My Barbie's clothes were frequently stapled together. Sue's were lovingly crafted and matched. We both had the misguided thought that we could pierce Barbie's ears with straight pins. Her ears, sadly, always turned green. Poor Barbie. She did have friends: Ken, of course, and Skipper. Early on, there was Midge, but I'm not quite sure what happened to her. Her 1950s/1960s clothes seemed out of touch with the swinging stylings (albeit stapled) of Barbie.

The basement also housed my father's work area. My dad is not exactly a handyman, but he certainly spent a fair amount of time down there in recent years, making model cars, airplanes and boats. There was a decoy duck period. He did, after TOO much time down there, develop nosebleeds that I am fairly certain were a result of an excess of airplane glue. We called his putterings "art therapy." I think he has been happy down there.

Sometime after I stopped believing in Santa Claus (or maybe I was on the cusp of not believing in Santa Claus...), the basement was the place where one year I snooped around for Christmas presents. I have a vague memory of finding them, hidden in the back, at another end of the octopus. After I opened the bag, I felt guilty and quickly closed it and never looked again.

My mom has a habit of keeping a LOT of things around the house, "just in case." An example of this is the 5-7 bottles of ketchup that were stored in the upstairs pantry. After the octopus was replaced by a more conventional heating system and some carpet was put down (so much for roller skating after THAT), a storage freezer appeared. In the freezer was kept frozen sides of beef, countless breasts of chicken, orange juice (2 for $3!), homemade pasta sauce and who knows what else. When my parents replaced their refrigerator, buying one that had the freezer on the bottom for greater ease, the old fridge went to the basement, housing a LOT of beer, mixers, and food overflow for Thanksgiving, Easter and other holidays. There was also another cabinet, stocked to the edges with what I think was Lawry's marinade, in a bunch of different flavors. There was extra sugar, coffee, salad dressing, aluminum foil, Saran wrap, rice, pasta, seasonings.

My sister and I would frequently go "shopping" down there. Somehow, I missed out on the packing of that cabinet because, now that I am looking at my own pantry, I seem to be out of Lawry's...

First memory

The first memory I have, ever, is the day my sister was born.

If you look at the picture, you will notice that the house has brick front steps. Back in the day, those steps were cement, and there was a railing on the right side. Also, there were bushes that had these weird red gooey things that were, so we were told, poisonous. DO NOT EAT.

At any rate, I was just a little over three when Sue came along. The story we are told is that she came FAST -- my dad was speeding toward Cooper Hospital and, upon being pulled over by a startled cop early in the morning, was given an escort to the hospital where she arrived shortly thereafter. It was Father's Day. The joke was that Bob wanted a tie -- he got Sue.

My memory is this: my mom was trying to get out of the house to the car (maybe it was green) and I was holding the hand of my grandfather heading down the stairs.

A detour: I learned how to walk with a towel over my head. Maybe I knew that, later in life, I would be a profound klutz and it was better not to see anything. Whatever it was, my early steps were made with a kitchen towel pulled over my head.

Walking is not my strong suit.

Those steps were a bit frightening, even with the railing and trying to rush, as we were, made the walk that much more uncertain. And I was excited.

Whatever it was, when I close my eyes and think about that day, I am holding my grandfather's hand for dear life, chugging down the stairs. My little red shoe slipped off, into those poisonous bushes. "We'll get it later," I remember him saying.

I don't ever remember wearing red shoes again. I wonder if, when my parents cleared out the shrubs and replaced them with the beautiful flowers and natural grasses, they found my missing red shoe?

After 42 years, saying farewell to 911 Belmont

My parents moved into 911 Belmont Avenue, on the border between Collingswood and Haddon Township, New Jersey in 1969. I was one.

On Monday, they will be moving to their new home in Montoursville, PA, where my sister lives with her family.

This weekend, my brother and I will be spending time at the house. I'm hoping to take a walk around the old neighborhood, visit my elementary and high school and generally revel in all the amazing things that happened here over the past 42 years.

I hope you enjoy my walk down memory lane.

gotothellifyouhatefreedom,
Volansky

Ruminations on Current Events

Friends,

I've been sitting on this Anthony Weiner thing for a couple of days, trying to pull the lens back in order to look at what it all means. Obviously, it is fun to snicker about his last name and what part of his anatomy that got him into trouble. It is also mildly entertaining to consider the level of discourse this usually-verbally-dexterous politician seems to have sunk. The connections to Bill Clinton are also somewhat tittering.

And then there is on-going sense of bewilderment of "who did he think he was?" While watching the press conference on Tuesday, part of me wanted him to respond, "Just a guy," when the media asked that question. I also kind of wanted him to say that he was being a GIANT idiot.

Then I read Alec Baldwin's fascinating piece, posted on the Huffington Post, entitled, "Anthony Weiner is a Modern Human Being." What I find compelling about what Baldwin says is the reminder of the availability of such online behavior. Consider this:

We tell ourselves that these devices help us communicate more effectively. What they actually do is allow us to bypass the person lying right next to us, across the room from us or at an airport heading home to us, in order to meet our immediate, even inconvenient, needs. To bypass their moods, their current view of us and their own desires, or lack thereof.

There is something to be mined here. You may be in the most loving, generous, safe and profound relationship ever. But. There are potentially millions of people out there that you haven't met yet. And they just might love you.

Of course there are a hundred problems with this, not the least of which is the fact that Weiner is a married man, with a smart and talented (and maybe pregnant?) wife. I am not interested in the series of questions about whether or not it is cheating: I think that determination is between Weiner and his wife; his press conference clearly indicated that, to them, it marked a betrayal of some sort. Which is, I think, a form of cheating. So, why did he do it?

Because he could. Nothing more complicated than that. Because he is, in Baldwin's words, "a modern human being."

I reach the same conclusion that Alec Baldwin did, and probably a lot of others. I would like to add my own take on this. I think that fidelity is a difficult and challenging thing; I have wrestled with it myself over the years, before the Internet and Facebook and YouTube and Twitter made it that much easier. How fun is it to live chat with an old flame? Or an old prospective flame? Or a co-worker? Or someone you read about and think is smart/sexy/gets you...whatever. But too many people I know but their real-life, flesh and blood, "til death do us part" relationships in jeopardy because it is just so damn easy.

And it is ultimately sad.

gotohellifyouhatefreedom,
Volansky

Remember me?

Hi Friends,
I woke up the other morning feeling a bit adrift -- I had submitted my dissertation and did not know what to do with myself.

I had been working on writing this thing for three years, doing the research for another two. And then, BAM, done. What's a girl to do?

Obviously, there are school things -- department chair, faculty council chair, courses to prep. There are naturally plays to read. But gosh, what a weird feeling.

If one person comments on this, then I'll continue to offer insights into our changing world. Or even if no one comments...I bet I'll continue. My fingers need to be kept occupied.

Final two thoughts: I'm reading Colum McCann's LET THE GREAT WORLD SPIN and man is it good. You might pick it up, if you are looking for a good read.

Other thought: I could not have survived finishing my dissertation without these guys. I feel a little like I am cheating on Bruce with them, but heavens to murgatroyd they are damn fine.

And remember:

gotohellifyouhatefreedom,

V

How the heck are you?!

hello, friends,

i really should not be blogging because i simply have too much work to do. but i had a really compelling conversation on saturday night with some friends that has been nagging at me and so i felt like i needed to share.

the discussion (full disclosure: there was wine involved) began as an investigation of the pros and cons of bailing out the big three -- GM, Ford and Chrysler. should we or shouldn't we? we drifted around that for a while, recalling the problems (and, at my insistence, the lack of congressional oversight) of the financial bailout. why bail out companies like AIG and not the automotive industry. there was general disdain about the UAW, and the suggestion that some industries needed to fail so as to correct the market.

let me say that i don't pretend to understand the market. i simply was asking about what was going to happen if the US lost 2.1 million job , according to this website.

here's what it says:

The EPI paper, titled When Giants Fall, estimates that a total collapse of all three U.S. auto makers would result in the loss of up to 2.1 million American jobs within the next year. Tax revenue losses and additional governmental costs would top $150 billion within three years if the three companies enter bankruptcy.

Without cars to export, the U.S. trade deficit would rise by $109.3 billion, the study also found.

The job numbers encompass direct job losses from the automakers' potential shutdown, as well as indirect job losses in technical and service industries and vehicle production-supported industries, such as auto parts, electronics, steel, tires, aluminum and plastics. The study also estimates the loss of "re-spending" jobs as a result of the wages lost by workers in motor vehicle industries and other sectors supported by car production.

The study's author, EPI economist Robert E. Scott, said that Congress should act quickly to provide a bridge loan to the auto industry, noting that it is an investment that the U.S. government will likely recover with interest.

"It is in the national interest to invest in a bridge loan now, rather than pay the consequences of bankruptcy for one or more domestic auto-makers," Scott said.

"The domestic auto-makers don't have the same bankruptcy and restructuring options as the airline industry does," Scott explained. "Customers are unwilling to purchase a vehicle from a company that might not be able to offer a warranty or repairs."

The study estimates the loss of jobs by industry, with manufacturing leading the pack. Motor vehicles and parts and transportation equipment also stand to lose tens of thousands of jobs.

The EPI study can be viewed at http://www.epi.org/briefingpapers/227/bp227.pdf.

For more information about the Economic Policy Institute, go to http://www.epi.org, and for more about the Keystone Research Center, go to http://www.keystoneresearch.org.

SOURCE: Keystone Research Center

consider the fact that 12.5% of all americans live in poverty, according to the US census

consider the fact that while it is admirable that 72.5% of americans have internet access, there are still 27.5% who do not.

are we living exclusively in a world of darwinistic survival of the fittest? my friend suggested that there were some people who would not or could not take advantage of the opportunities offered to them and that some in our country would always "just fail." is this okay? am i just a pollyanna, or do i have my sense of social justice out of whack?

can you sleep at night?

think about what jimmy carter said (thanks sister sue): "a peaceful world cannot exist when one third is rich and two thirds are hungry."

my friend is a just and admirable person, concerned about family and survival. there is compassion and responsibility. so if THIS friend thinks this way...

think about it.

gotohellifyouhatefreedom,
volansky